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Tolkein Was Here? The Tale of Bilbo Baggins' Island
Recently, when a friend of mine busted out with a bad joke involving a midget walking into a bar, I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m usually not a sucker for cheesy anecdotes, but the image was all too uncanny. Instantly, I was flooded with vivid memories of my recent trip to Boracay. Since then, I haven’t been able to stop associating midgets with bars. To me, midgets and bars is now the new peanut butter and jelly.
The second week into my Philippines trip, my family and I ventured out of hectic Manila to get some much needed sun and relaxation on the resort island Boracay. Located south of Luzon region, Boracay is easily one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. To tourists and locals alike, the island has the finest white sand. As equally famous, at least according to a Boracay tourist Web site, is the night life that the island has to offer. I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to end the day of napping under the shade of a coconut tree than by being happily drunk and falling asleep under that same tree! Exploring the bar scene was definitely a top priority on my itinerary list.
Once the sun set, my cousins, my brother, and I started our quest to find the perfect drinking spot. Tucked away in the center of the island are a bevy of bars that each boasts the best happy hour prices. Our choices were endless! But after going through a string of bars blaring the same bad techno music, I found myself disappointed and still thirsty for more options. To my relief, I finally spotted an interesting-looking pub that seemed as fun as it was laid back. As I walked up to the entrance, I was greeted with a bubbly “Welcome,” and suddenly I found myself staring at a midget. Yep, I had stumbled upon (and almost quite literally!) the Philippines’ own quirky hidden treasure: Hobbit House.
About two years ago, the ethnic magazine Filipinas featured a story about the original Hobbit House located in the bohemian Malate district of Manila. The bar has been around so long that the locals have long since forgotten its inception. I also learned that the owner is an extreme Tolkein fan, and in homage to The Hobbit, the entire place is run by midgets and dwarves! Almost as famous as the workers themselves is the excellent live music. Showcasing everything from acoustic to ska, this was the house to bring down. I remember being blown away by the concept of such an establishment, and encountering the actual place, albeit the newer Boracay location, years later was like finding out Bigfoot really existed!
Like a fascinated archaeologist who had just discovered a hidden village, I was compelled to observe and explore the unfamiliar surroundings. Lined with rich island vegetation, Hobbit House is literally a house! The exterior is plastered with grainy stucco tiles and painted in a mellow yellow. The brown roof sits on top like a lopsided pointy hat, and the round, organic-looking windows are sporadic and low enough for a hobbit’s gaze. At the entrance hangs a dark wooden sign with the words “A Hobbit House: Fellowship of the Ring” carved in old style letters and painted in faux gold. Before reaching the actual pub, one has to walk through the sandy outdoor drinking/eating area where patrons mostly sat and hung out. Visible to both the indoor and the outdoor drinkers was a stage where a young woman who looked like a Filipino Jewel sang folk songs with her acoustic guitar.
Inside the dimly lit pub was a Hollywood mishmash of all things Tolkein. Medieval shields and swords waiting to be wielded were displayed high and mighty. On the right wall hung a full-size montage of Hollywood’s cast of Middle Earth heroes—Gandalf, Legolas, and Aragorn. But it was obvious that the most highly coveted piece was the even bigger poster of the famous hobbit hero, Frodo. Little did little Elijah Wood know, his blue peepers were a guiding light to all the island hobbits.
Bombarded with images of Hollywood, I couldn’t help but suddenly form a desire to watch the trilogy. But without a Blockbuster in sight, I watched the Filipino hobbits instead. The little workers were taking drink orders and serving various alcoholic beverages with the same kind of mirth and merriment you might expect at, say, a Shire pub where Bilbo Baggins, Frodo, and their brethren would frequent. But unless Tolkien had forgot to include the part about how some hobbits chose to flee Middle Earth and set up a pub in the Philippines, these hobbits were far from the little mythical creatures that Tolkein had envisioned.
Unlike the table-top-dancing, beer-chugging hobbits in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, these hobbits represented a completely new generation. They were the modern-day hobbit descendants who needed to make a living just like the next person. Dressed in various colored T-shirts with the words “Hobbit House” printed on the back, hobbits were running the place from left to right. Besides the hobbits tending to the guests, there were hobbits behind the bar mixing and pouring drinks; hobbits selling souvenir items inside the pub; hobbits cooking up a storm in the kitchen; and let’s not forget the friendly hobbit bouncer greeting and coaxing interested passersby. But as busy as it was, everything was run in a very easy-going fashion. Clearly, these were laid back hobbits with impeccable people skills. From the moment we sat down, prompt service was given.
Our hobbit server started us off with a bowl of popcorn and handed us the bar and restaurant menu. He could barely reach the table, but that still didn’t stop him from being attentive and jolly. (He was even good enough to remember my name the second and third time he came around!) Having had dinner prior to discovering the place, we were too stuffed to order any food. But from what I could remember, the menu consisted of various seafood appetizers such as crispy calamari and oyster shots. For the main course, traditional Filipino dishes were the specialty. I recall seeing a couple sharing a medium-sized bowl of what looked like kare kare (boiled oxtail cooked in a peanut-based stew) with sides of rice stacked on a plate like little white mountains.
Skipping the food, we headed straight for the drinks menu. We started off with a round of tequila shots, which I must say were given in hobbit-sized dosages. My brother had to order two additional ones to reach a nice buzz. I proceeded with my usual tall glass of gin and tonic. The gin was a little overpowering, but after squeezing a bit of calamansi, a lime cousin tiny enough to fit in between your thumb and index finger, the bitterness eventually leveled off. Topped with little decorative umbrellas peppered with orange and red flowers, and garnished with bright red cherries, the tropical drinks were pretty and colorful.
With the help of my Hobbit House haze, I was able to get past the “gimmicky” concept and partake in the carefree vibe. Surveying the mix of different patrons—mainly Europeans, Americans, and Filipinos--and hobbits, I was definitely convinced there was a fellowship of some sort happening here. The hobbits were so bent on making everyone feel comfortable and just plain happy, it was easy to relax and get silly drunk!
After a profusion of drinks and bad hobbit puns, we were ready to leave tropical Middle Earth. Being from politically correct America, I was extremely hesitant to ask to take a picture. But I knew that if I didn’t come back home with solid proof of this experience, my highly skeptical friends would simply deem me a crazy drunk with a sick fetish for imaginary hobbits. I was not about to fall victim to such potential slandering. So I mustered up the courage and asked the bouncer politely if he wouldn’t mind being in our picture. Apparently at this unique establishment, taking pictures is not only a requirement of the job but also a perk. Once the bouncer called out “PICTURE!” three other hobbits suddenly appeared out of nowhere, ready for their close ups.
Along with not being at work, discovering Hobbit House was definitely one of the best parts about my Philippines trip. Seriously, who doesn’t love the idea of partying with cool midgets? Oh, and to answer the question that some of you have been dying to ask: Sorry, midget tossing is not offered at this hobbit haven!