Ass-trology
Aries
The Aries symbol resembles the head of a Ram, their animal ruler. Some basics that everyone should know about Aries--stuff they write on t-shirts about them--Aries are ruled by Mars (planet of war and aggressive sexuality). Aries is made of the Fire element and their body part of most delight and anguish is their heads. Aries agony and ecstasy is a headache versus a head massage. Oh yeah…and they have a tendency to absolutely explode! So don’t get them angry or make them paranoid about a reason they are missing to be angry with you.
Can you tell I have an Aries boss?
Some notable Aries include my friend Marlon Brando, Michelle’s brother Paul (he’s in a band), Bette Davis, Jonathan Iglesias (aka the Mexican Captain Hook), Rosie O’Donnell, Tennessee Williams, Jesus Christ (no…he wasn’t really a Capricorn--the whole December thing was just the Catholics trying to colonize and eradicate the pagan holiday of the winter solstice), Billie Holiday, Quentin Tarantino, and Muddy Waters.
So the similarity in all of these people remains--passion. Every single one of the above-mentioned has a tremendous amount of passion. They love their causes and getting involved in fights. Rosie’s AIDS awareness and breast cancer walks and endless battles against the NRA, the state’s laws against homosexual civil unions, adoption rights, and not to mention the battle of the bulge.
Marlon has his civil rights for minorities (think of his Academy Award acceptance speech) and other fights...they are too numerous to note.
The point is, gay or straight, male or female, these Rams are always butting their horns against some wall. They always have a cause to feel passionate about. They are straight shooters, so whatever is on their mind will be open for discussion. They are usually very politically active in their later years (as kids they’re too busy fighting with their parents or other people they know to build a political agenda in the broader spectrum).
Now, just talking about someone’s sun-sign might make them a little bit more recognizable on the street, but has NOTHING to do with labeling them as an entire human psyche. There are other variants to take into consideration, like moon signs and ascendants, and planetary placements and nodes, and a whole bunch of really complex pieces of the greater puzzle. I will get into all of these later, but for now, here’s my take on the basics.
So… as long as you don’t piss them off too much, Aries are pretty easy to get in the sack. They don’t like to say no to a good mind-fuck either. They definitely appreciate direct communication. They’re not like Cancers at all, and if you walked up to them and said, “Hey, we’ve been on two dates, now unzip!” they probably will. Not only that, they’ll be tickled at how direct the communication was, and will be your love slave forever. Once they’ve committed, they also are not what I would consider cheaters (like their polar opposites of the zodiac---Libras). Of course, it’s always a good idea to ask them directly, “Are you seeing anyone other than me?”, “Are we an exclusive couple?”, “Do you love me?” if you want a direct answer. If you don’t want direct answers (like a sensitive Pisces that wants things sugar coated and whispered softly) then for God’s sake, DON’T ask an Aries if they think you look fat, when you know you do, because they’re going to tell you the truth.
A great gift for an Aries lover would be “The Tingler.” It’s a bunch of copper wires that give this amazing head massage, and they’ll never want to part with it. They would even put the convenient travel case it comes in to use.
They are karmically the youngest sign of the zodiac. They are the infants.
Now for the compatibility chart:
Now let’s get this clear. There’s no such thing as “compatible” or “incompatible” astrologically speaking. Every combination of couples is going to have their set of issues. Astrology just gives you a map of the kinds of issues that you’ll be facing with everybody. No matter who Aries is in a relationship with, they are always going to fight, and they are always going to hold firm that they are right, and the rest of the world is wrong. So, here goes:
Aries and Aries
Very intense and probably a lot of fighting. The good thing is that Aries blow up with a huge wildfire, and it burns really hot, and is out right away. They probably won’t even remember what they fought about in an hour from the inception of rage. This little quality frustrates a lot of people that love grudges and guilt, but they will have a mutual understanding of their low grudge factor.
Aries and Taurus
They will…have a lot of sex…but not much else. Aries loves getting head and Taurus loves giving it.
Aries and Gemini
This is a very successful pair. Neither are grudge holders, and Aries’ love of puzzles will be satisfied with Gemini’s nature. My boss and his wife have been married for about thirty years, and they fight all the time, but it’s always cute, and I have a feeling it gets them horny for each other.
Aries and Cancer
Well…prepare for a whole bunch of hurt feelings and grudges. Cancer will HATE the way Aries says things directly and Aries is maybe too loud for their taste sometimes, but Cancers might feel they need to keep Aries around to fight their battles for them as well as for the constant nipple touching.
Aries and Leo
This combination can be quite harmonious. Both are fire signs, so they can relate to the way they process their feelings and carry on their relationships with other people, but the constant need for Leo to be at the center of the attention might make Aries a bit annoyed (hell it makes everybody annoyed).
Aries and Virgo
Strangely enough, I’ve seen this combination quite a lot. Virgo really helps Aries develop their communication skills and Aries helps Virgo be less critical and more in tune with their own passions. Aries will NOT like when Virgo criticizes them all too eloquently, and all they have to say in return is “FUCK YOU!” as they slam the door behind them.
Aries and Libra
Opposites do attract, and if Libra can keep from touching other people long enough to have a relationship with somebody, then it could work pretty well. Aries, just lower your voice when you talk to Libra please. Libra doesn’t like loud noises like your booming voice.
Aries and Scorpio
A long time ago, these two were both ruled by Mars, until Pluto was discovered and planetary reassignment went underway. I can’t not tell it how it is though. The relationship will be based on sex, and the fights will be ugly. The make-up sex on the horizon might be hotter than you would think, but they’ll both be worn out for days afterwards.
Aries and Sagittarius
Another Fire-element ally. This is a likely pair, because they will want to travel everywhere and talk about everything. Aries supplies the passion, and Sag supplies the get-up-and-go to get it done.
Aries and Capricorn
These two lock horns and hate each other. The sex won’t even be that great either. The only thing I can say will attract Aries is the free reign to treat someone really badly and get away with it. The only thing I can say will attract Capricorn, is the ability to get treated really badly by someone and not be judged for coming back for more.
Aries and Aquarius
This pair could work. The biggest issue that these two would have is that Aries needs passion, and that’s something Aquarius has trouble supplying on an intimate level. Aquarius will be passionate about collecting food for the homeless, or saving the whales, or civil rights, but not during sex with a partner. It’s just a little too close for Aquarian comfort.
Aries and Pisces
I’ve seen it happen. Usually, the Pisces gets to play the distressed in need of rescue, and the Aries gets to fulfill that fantasy role. They get to be the knight in shining armor, and if Pisces is just manipulative enough, they might just use that game long enough to distract their partner from the truth, which is that they really don’t have much in common.